Day in the life
A cup of coffee and two cigarettes.
Enjoyed one; second made me ill.
Fingertips tickle with cold
Thoughts: subdued, nerves: dormant
Unsure which colour I feel
Can't decide what to have for lunch:
Chicken on white or tuna on brown?
Wanting tuna on white I disappointedly settle
For half a BLT and a medium hot choc.
Nothing tastes as it should, feels like my will.
A shaky hand brings cup to lips:
Thick liquid slides down throat,
Mind follows feeling, and thinks of tuna for dinner.
A glass of wine and a cigarette.
Can't remember the afternoon.
Can't remember the way to the pub,
Can't remember why I didn't just go home?
Mind goes blank and panic sets in.
What's forgotten? What's wrong?
What's right but been forgotten?
Heavy swells in stomach, joined by pain in legs.
Have I eaten today? Perhaps should?
Another cigarette (only finish half);
Startled by something strange
That rings between head and ears.
Think of a reason why not to go home,
Same as the reason why definitely I should.
Eyes stare at empty glass - undecided about another.
Eyes stare at another glass - willing it to mouth.
Itchy fingernails: the need to fly
Arms won't help; they're drowning slowly in quick-sand.
Visualise getting out of bed tomorrow, psych myself up.
Wonder what i'll dream tonight, imagine that I'll sleep.
Can't hide the shakes now - only movement that I have.
Spine creeks: Brain floods with new thoughts,
Too loud to be heard, too quiet to be shusshed
Go home for dinner, but dinner isn't there.
Peer into cupboards, move plates and look at tins.
Where has all the colour gone?
All I see are browns and greys.
Try and remember what I had for my lunch.
Tin of tuna hovers over and asks me how I am
'Tired' I say, and put tuna away -
Nice it asked I s'pose, weird I replied I know.
A wave of blank hits as I make for the stairs
Something's missing, something so out of place.
The idea of tea turns heels on their head
But then no milk... so no tea, bag left in empty mug.
Suddenly clarity thaws feet: "Go to sleep, tomorrow's new"
Worry if it'll be worse, wonder if I'll know.
Lying in clothes body anchors to the bed.
The radiator purrs aside
Remembering un-dones of the day.
Eyes look up at the ceiling, stare forever at the wall,
Bury head and force eyes shut
Ignore every external, block out the inside
One focus, one fear: