January
Essex in chicago
Monday night in Chicago
Sheer panic and despair
Alone surrounded by strangers
Where no-body knows my name.
Straight to the bar:
A friendly face
Regulars with pony tails
And Snow on the ground -
A more familiar sight than usual.
A strange city and a stranger feeling
The neon light in the window reminds me of the unknown.
All alone and scared, not sure if I can do this.
Make it happen
Make it happy
Too much yet to see
Too soon to tell.
First
First day
Big job - don’t fuck it up.
So much pressure, so much.
A new life starting, got to get it going.
No more first day,
Second and third impressions only.
Make the most of it,
Make it count
Make it what I want it to be
Who I want to be.
Big day
First job – too much to think about
All my hopes and dreams and fears
From years and years riding high on the train.
So much I want to say and do
Too much in my head to really hear
I’m really here, doing what I said I would.
Make it count.
Make it real.
April
SONATA – a poem in three parts (to be read aloud)
Exposition: (Andantino appassionato)
Make something happen.
Entertain me.
Give me something to smile about – write about - write home about.
Tell me a secret and make me laugh.
Work with me, and look at how I move when I’m not thinking about anything.
Adore me.
And be surprised by my skill at ordinary things that I don’t care about, be surprised by things I do care about and how much I try to make everyone ok and everything happy!
Ask me what I am writing and take a real interest in my thoughts and what my eyes tell you in the silence between paragraphs.
Make me stand still and feel comfortable in my own body, be comfortable with me and all the weird things I do and say and think and want to think (but can’t in case I feel stupid). Think I’m stupid and tell me I’m not.
Know where I am when I haven’t told you just by imagining my presence.
Help me live a life that’s good and normal but not too normal, I want to be extraordinary without feeling alone.
Let me be alone when I want to think, but don’t go too far so I can’t call you and look at you and think about holding your hand when I need to!!
Blurt things out vomit emotion.
Be honest and open and truthful and truthful again!
Say I love you:
Development: (Adagio et subito piano)
I love you. But it’s just too late for us
I dive into your arteries and then
I swim. I smell your seamen, taste your blood.
I dream of climbing upon your shoulders,
And I stay, a bird on a wire. I look
I watch, I jump, I land, I fall, I cry.
Powerless to swallow my tears I shout.
I hurt myself to check if I’m alive,
Hurt myself again hoping I’ll die.
I want to cover the world with my blood
Then close my eyes and dream. Beautiful deaths
With beautiful tears and diamond razors.
I started to love myself through the hate
Decided, I will not kill myself. Yet
I will die if you asked me to.
You carry me in your arms as life flies
O’er my grave. I talk to myself a while
And open my eyes. Darkness surrounds me.
I dream of our love every single night,
For you, I thank my unconscious saviour.
I gave everything to you years ago
You hold my life, my love, my everything
In your hands.
Be careful,
look after me.
Recapitulation: (Rubato)
This is as good as it can ever be.
A limbo of unsure knowing in the final movement.
Reluctant acceptance has succeeded depressed realisation.
An ambivalent finale that contradicts the hope of opening night:
No sound can touch this feeling, the timbre is wrong
The notes, they don’t fit.
This is as good as it will ever get.
Unconfirmed knowledge of the end of time.
Timeless clichés and exhausted promises.
Decision made.
Moment: passed; Adrenaline: spent; Hormones: departed; Hearts: over.
Love: broken.
Passages regurgitated:
Touch me kiss me feel me hold me, say you love me.
Be still. Be silent, be comfortable for one more minute.
One more dream to quench the hunger that will never be satisfied.
This was as good as I have ever known.
Walking on shards of diamonds,
dreaming of you and sex and death and you again.
I open my eyes and I’m alone in the lightness,
Unsure of this new role. A solo,
Monologue, unaccompanied humming.
A tune we all know (join in if you want)
Solidarity in solitude, communion in isolation.
October
244
Strong gentle man:
Watching you is loud,
Hearing your voice at a whisper.
You stoop, and kneel from your shoulders,
So that no one sees your threat.
Lost in your palms, concentrating on each line,
You miss the red as the bricks file past.
Look out the window: light and black stare back,
Deaf to the crowd, dumb to the answer.
Twenty six
26 is my name,
Round and grown up.
Twice as lucky (half her age)
I’m in the middle of the middle.
Among the in and between.
Just a little stuck.
No change, no stone
Miles behind
In front nowhere to lead
Lost for a rhyme
No words to move.
The development section of Sonata - A poem in Three Parts, must be attributed to a period of collaboration with artists from Syndromus Theatre Company in the creation of the play STILL.
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