(Inspired by extracts from the Greek novel Nai – author unknown)
Sleep sweeter than death,
Death more beautiful than the moon,
If I cannot die I must sleep - sweet suicide.
Don’t fight it, stop fighting. Be calm, be still.
Clamp my arms to my sides, cross my legs to keep them from running.
Allow my wild heart to beat like crazy:
One two, one two, one two, one two.
Where is three?
Will I ever see three?
Does it come when I stop breathing?
One two, one two, one two, one two. Hold my breath:
My lungs are burning and my face is cold.
Stop fighting, don’t fight it, don’t stop.
Look harder, deep in my heart.
Push longer, look deeper for something that’s not there.
One two, one two, one two, one two, one two, one two, one two, one two.
My heart beats still, a clock in my chest.
The bells are ringing, its three am.
The alarm: a fire, a burglar, the end of time.
Don’t stop, be calm, be slow. Be real.
One two, one, one two.
My hair, my toes, my teeth feel strange.
I weep, hot tears burning my frozen face.
Mascara runs down my cheek bones:
Green, blue, black shadow tumbles from my eyelids.
I am betrayed; my vanity smudged.
I am unique, so special I can never know.
My head is dizzy, my feet still.
Two one, one two one,
One. Death. Two.
Three eludes me.