Sunday, 29 June 2014

Day in the life

A cup of coffee and two cigarettes. 
Enjoyed one; second made me ill. 
Fingertips tickle with cold
Thoughts: subdued, nerves: dormant
Unsure which colour I feel

Can't decide what to have for lunch: 
Chicken on white or tuna on brown?
Wanting tuna on white I disappointedly settle
For half a BLT and a medium hot choc.

Nothing tastes as it should, feels like my will.
A shaky hand brings cup to lips:
Thick liquid slides down throat,
Mind follows feeling, and thinks of tuna for dinner.

A glass of wine and a cigarette. 
Can't remember the afternoon.
Can't remember the way to the pub,
Can't remember why I didn't just go home?
Mind goes blank and panic sets in.

What's forgotten? What's wrong? 
What's right but been forgotten?
Heavy swells in stomach, joined by pain in legs.

Have I eaten today? Perhaps should?
Another cigarette (only finish half);
Startled by something strange 
That rings between head and ears.

Think of a reason why not to go home,
Same as the reason why definitely I should.
Eyes stare at empty glass - undecided about another. 
Eyes stare at another glass - willing it to mouth.

Itchy fingernails: the need to fly 
Arms won't help; they're drowning slowly in quick-sand.
Visualise getting out of bed tomorrow, psych myself up. 
Wonder what i'll dream tonight, imagine that I'll sleep.
Can't hide the shakes now - only movement that I have. 
Spine creeks: Brain floods with new thoughts, 
Too loud to be heard, too quiet to be shusshed

Go home for dinner, but dinner isn't there.
Peer into cupboards, move plates and look at tins.
Where has all the colour gone? 
All I see are browns and greys.

Try and remember what I had for my lunch.
Tin of tuna hovers over and asks me how I am
'Tired' I say, and put tuna away -
Nice it asked I s'pose, weird I replied I know.

A wave of blank hits as I make for the stairs 
Something's missing, something so out of place.
The idea of tea turns heels on their head
But then no milk... so no tea, bag left in empty mug.

Suddenly clarity thaws feet: "Go to sleep, tomorrow's new"
Worry if it'll be worse, wonder if I'll know. 
Lying in clothes body anchors to the bed.
The radiator purrs aside
Remembering un-dones of the day.

Eyes look up at the ceiling, stare forever at the wall,
Bury head and force eyes shut
Ignore every external, block out the inside

One focus, one fear:
Today's yesterday, 
Tomorrow’s unknown.

Three words 

I love you like i love vanilla cheesecake
I love vanilla cheesecake but I'm not in love with it.
Its a silly series of letters anyway, the word, "love". 
Its not patient. Its not kind.
Its not romantic or sweeping or 
played out in black and white on a train station platform.

I love you like i love the smell of autumn
like the colour yellow and dark chocolate truffles in a pretty pink box.
I'm not exactly clear what this word 'love' is about.
Sounds kind of messy, and exhausting 
and hard. Then mind-numbingly painful, 
and so heartbreakingly difficult to maintain for any time. 

I love you like I love classical music
Because you both bring me peace and sense of okay-ness.
It might not make sense but thats all I can say.
You're messy and exhausting
Not romantic or even sweeping.
You're you. Just you. And me? I'm me. 

So lets not say I love you or you love me
Lets love vanilla cheese cake and yellow and the autumn.
Lets leave our feelings felt and not heard,
Existing in our hearts but never in a book.
And whenever you want to know how i feel about you,
I'll share my vanilla cheesecake and not say a word.

Wednesday, 25 June 2014

Haiku for Universes

I said I love you
But you couldn't say it back
Because you were gone 

Thursday, 5 June 2014

And For a Second

And for a second

I stood on the grass in bare feet tonight
I felt lighter, easier, still in myself.
Reminded of your love, my smile, our time,
As soft green and yellow stroked my tired skin.
Purple-pink flowers kissed open wounds
...and for a second, I was better.

I was standing on calmness in bare feet tonight
A place I lost when we said goodbye.
Cool air dried hot tears and stained eyes,
The blades of the earth bowed ‘neath my weight.
Bent but unbroken, still holding on
...and for a second, I was stronger.

I could float away from here in a sky that feels heavy
Float from pain in clouds filled with heartache
From worlds without sense and days still to come.

I could howl and scream and bleed tears from my veins
Unsettled but unmoving, rocked by each moment.

I could crawl through the coals, draw flesh from my eyes,
Inch mountains and rivers just to tear into heaven.

But the cool evening breezwe vows glory as day goodbyes,
The promise of beauty, somewhere, still alive.
And for a second you were there.

So I wash my hands of the tears and the heartbreak
Leave you, and it, and my brokenness aside,
To push on, and up, tilt my head to the skies
And never, for an ever, for a second forget.