Tomorrow is another 8^th of August

The 8^th of August has come around again,

Empty of grief, filled with pain.

Another twelve months I have missed you for,

Another twelve months I have lost out on you for.

A hole grows in my heart, bigger with each year

Harder to ignore, harder to be near.

Every step I make takes me further from you

Makes me colder without your smile -

As I grow older without you.

Another day, another year,

Another drop tears down my skin,

Longing for memories of a different day

And a different year: before the tears -

Before another 8^th of August is here. 

Happiness

Happiness does not simply fade away,

It doesn’t slip slowly through your fingers

Or disappear over the horizon like a sunset.

Happiness is snatched from unsuspecting hands,

Kidnapped in the dark of night so you’ll never see it leave.

In time you won’t remember its shape in your bed:

The feel of it in your head or its warmth on your skin.

You won’t recall the strain on your mouth that laughter once smiled

And only the idea of happiness will be missed.

Stuck

What do you do when you're stuck?

Stuck on a question, stuck in a traffic jam,

Stuck for what to wear for that work night out.

What do you do when you're stuck in a day?

Same event, same outcome,

Same desperate need to seek out the smallest of change.

What do you do when you're stuck in that day?

The one day, only day you want to forget.

 What do you do when it's the days that are stuck?

The nights won't come, sun never goes down.

What do you do when everything is stuck:

Unmoved and unchanged

Unforgiving emotion that unrelents every time.

Because I am stuck; stuck here.

And don't know what to do.

The voice

I paint my nails

And I dye my hair,

Colour my skin and darken my lashes.

Now I paint my skin

And I mark my body,

Colour my life with today's anguish.

Acetone tries but can not win,

Erase these moments; Silence this voice

One am....... 1:00

It's five to one 

On our way in tomorrow

Every mirror reflects a different grief

Each thought projects, just nothing.

Empty melodies sing cliches that placate

- Placate but never heal.

Skin gives off too much heat

An unnatural exothermic outburst

Uncontrolled, and unnamed. 

It's still five to one.

No change, nothing new.

I knew once what I wanted

Now wishing seems so far away.

Every day becomes a never day

Never becomes too long for art

It's still five to one

The hands won't move, the world will not change.

Time refuses to pass in in-action and in void. 

Word Association

Attraction.

A moment: a moment never felt like this before.

Never again.

Unique to now, unique to me and us.

You.

Excitement. Anticipation.

Self doubt kicks in, self worth assessed.

Quick glances confirm mutual attraction. Mutual excitement, mutual interest.

Awkwardness prevails - how to start? Where to begin?

Speak something clever, speak something funny, speak anything, just speak.

Wet dry lips and straighten clothes. Nerves flow like electricity.

Excited for tomorrow - excuse myself for seeing you again.  

An extra spritz of perfume because I know you’ll be there.

Knowing smiles and cheeky grins.

Excitement laced with danger.

A flutter not just of lashes but the true gamble of the next few steps.

Happy lies, expected untruths.

Acceptance is endless and patience embodied.

Rainbows and butterflies.

Ecstasy overwhelming.

Impatience for excess.

Breath-takingly happy.

Holidays and heart to hearts. Complete and content.  

Warmth wherever you are. Lust and laughter wherever you go.

The world softens and I am less afraid.

The purest blue and the brightest yellow.

The calmest green and the loudest red.

Singing in the street and lying on the floor.

The perfect fit, the perfect look, simply perfectly simple.

Looks that connect, never empty or unnoticed.

The rhythmic beating of footsteps walking in the same direction,

For the same reason - even when we don’t agree.

A crack.

Only small.

Glossed over.

Filled in and covered up.

A moment of doubt, and selfishness and fear.

But I’m not afraid of the dark, it can’t hurt me, can’t change the way I feel.

Forget it and move on.

Never go to bed on an argument.

Excitement in between conflict.

Highs so high only because of the “no’s”.

Unhappy lies and truth telling that doesn’t work.

Earthquakes and nail biting.

Unsure or uncertain.

Certain of nothing: surely normal, surely fine.

More exciting this way: never a dull moment.

Never a moment of confidence. Self doubt, self worth assessed.

This moment never felt like this before.

Burning flesh inside my mind.

-          No ones looking, no one knows.

The world has ended in a flood and a drought and in fire and in ice.

Pain beyond my being.

Impossible to deal with, improbable from the start?  

Emptiness surrounding me, no air, no space just nothing.

No you.

No us.

Me.

Alone.

Over again. 

I cant ask why, don’t want to know.

If I do I’ll give up. Never trust, try, or talk again.  

Speak something inspiring; speak of fish and the future.

Just speak.

Half left

There's nothing sadder than half a pie: dessert meant for four.

The encore to a family meal too long ago enjoyed.

Emotions rollercoaster as its absence is noticed -

It was there this morning, wondering when it would be cut.

Was it taken on invitation? Empty handed ne'er shall we be.

Perhaps a lady cooked him dinner, engaged him in converse.

Reminded him of the companionship life stole from his hand.

But there it is: half a pie in the microwave.

Evidence of nothing - a quiet night and no more.  

An extra helping with custard as well as ice cream.

Did it appease the grief? Did it comfort his loneliness?

Did it remind him of his mother’s pastry, that my mother coveted so?

There's nothing sadder than half a pie

Half of the whole, half of what once was there.